11 years old and changed forever

I grew up in a small town in the Midwest. It is the kind of town where everyone knows everyone and watches out for each others children. It was normal for us to be outside playing in the yard and running around the neighborhood.  I was a tomboy and loved being around the guys because they played sports and were not inside playing with Barbie dolls.

This guy moved into the neighborhood that was 16 and we all thought that he was cool. Bug had dirt bike and seemed like  nice guy. I got to know him and he would talk to me and other friends around the neighborhood. As I started to get to know him, I totally trusted him.

He invited me and two of my friends over to his house. He told us that his mom was home.  She was not there and he took us downstairs. He offered us something to drink and he got a Yahoo chocolate drink. He then turned on the television and entered the code for the satellite system. He then put on a playboy channel. We watch that for a while and then he asked us to play sex dare. We all said no but ended up playing any ways.

At first it was just kissing, then that was not good enough. He took me to the bathroom that was downstairs. He took me into the bathroom and told me to get on my knees. He started shoving his penis in my mouth. I was crying and choking. He did not care.  Then he took me upstairs to his bedroom, told me to get undressed and was raping me. When he was done, he got up and said, “If you tell anyone I will kill you and your family.” I did not say anything to anyone and just wanted to forget what had happened to me.  I did not understand what just had happened.

Nothing ever happened to him because his father was a guard at the local prison. I finally told my mom and she told me to just forget about what had happened. The thing was I wasn’t able to just forget it and when I was in high school started having sex because I wanted to change what had happened to me and I hated myself.

That day when he raped me, he changed me forever. I no longer wanted to be around boys or men. I hated myself and when my friends mom told her that she could no longer be around me that sent the message that I had done something wrong. I did not know what rape was. I did not know what porn was and know after being violated and raped; I was the one that did something wrong. No, I did not ask to be raped, betrayed, violated, hurt, told that it was my fault. I had a crime committed against me and already was being told that the rape was my fault. What about the bastard that had just raped me? A 11 year old girl knows nothing about sex or rape and did not want this to happen to her.

Again why does society automatically blame the survivor and does nothing to the rapist?




Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

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