Today is one of those days that I am feeling very overwhelmed, along, anger, grief and sadness. When I close my eyes, I see them and what they did. I hear what the rapists said to me. I hear what Bug said to me when I was 11, that if I ever told anyone that he would kill and my family. I hear what the police officer said to me. I hear what the chain of command said to me. I hear what was said during the safety stand down and how they blamed me for being raped. I hear the chain of command telling me over and over again that I deserved to be raped and that it was my fault. That I was nothing more then a walking mattress and was only there to fulfill men’s needs. I hear what the Chief said to me when I told him that I had an appointment at rape crisis center and he would not let me leave the ship. I hear see what he typed in the email that he sent me when he admitted to raping me. I hear what the NCIS agent said to me on the telephone and all of it is triggering all of the feelings that I am having.
I am crying. I hate this. I am sick of this. I wish that they would have killed me when they raped me. I am sick of the flashbacks, nightmares, being afraid, watching society make excuses for rapists. I want to cut myself today. I just want the pain to stop. I am sick of all of this pain. I have tried everything to just forget about it and move on. I am scared that they are going to come back and rape me again. Nothing ever happened to any of them and they probably have raped over and over and over again. I am sick of rape kits being lost or never tested. I am sick of Politicians making nice speeches but then never doing a damn thing about rape.
I want someone to hold me and let me cry. I can not look in the mirror because I see all of the pain, anger, ugliness in the mirror. I see the person that was raped and see all of the hate that was put onto me. I hate my body. I want nothing to do with being a woman. If I could I would have my breasts removed and everything woman about me taken away. I want nothing to do with sex or sexuality or sensuality. I want nothing to do with my body.
I do not want to breathe into the pain. Just tried of fighting so damn hard to heal