One of those days

Today is one of those days that I am feeling very overwhelmed, along, anger, grief and sadness. When I close my eyes, I see them and what they did. I hear what the rapists said to me. I hear what Bug said to me when I was 11, that if I ever told anyone that he would kill and my family.  I hear what the police officer said to me. I hear what the chain of command said to me. I hear what was said during the safety stand down and how they blamed me for being raped. I hear the chain of command telling me over and over again that I deserved to be raped and that it was my fault. That I was nothing more then a walking mattress and was only there to fulfill men’s needs. I hear what the Chief said to me when I told him that I had an appointment at rape crisis center and he would not let me leave the ship.   I hear see what he typed in the email that he sent me when he admitted to raping me. I hear what the NCIS agent said to me on the telephone and all of it is triggering all of the feelings that I am having.

I am crying. I hate this. I am sick of this. I wish that they would have killed me when they raped me. I am sick of the flashbacks, nightmares, being afraid, watching society make excuses for rapists.  I want to cut myself today. I just want the pain to stop. I am sick of all of this pain. I have tried everything to just forget about it and move on. I am scared that they are going to come back and rape me again. Nothing ever happened to any of them and they probably have raped over and over and over again.  I am sick of rape kits being lost or never tested. I am sick of Politicians making nice speeches but then never doing a damn thing about rape.

I want someone to hold me and let me cry. I can not look in the mirror because I see all of the pain, anger, ugliness in the mirror. I see the person that was raped and see all of the hate that was put onto me.  I hate my body. I want nothing to do with being a woman. If I could I would have my breasts removed and everything woman about me taken away. I want nothing to do with sex or sexuality or sensuality.  I want nothing to do with my body.

I do not want to breathe into the pain. Just tried of fighting so damn hard to heal



Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

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