“I should be proud of my service”

Yesterday and this morning, I was talking to a friend that told me that I should be proud of my service to my country. That I should be proud that I am a veteran and that I served honorably, but how can I be when all I remember is when I was raped twice, what the chain of command did to me, how I was retaliated against, called a liar, told that I was nothing more then a walking mattress that deserved to be raped, and that the UCMJ did not apply to.  Then in 2012, when the bastard sent me an email admitting to raping me and NCIS did still nothing that was the topper that broke everything inside of me.  Also found out that on my DD 214 that the chain of command gave me the code of JFT which means erroneous enlistment. I was raped twice in the same day, did the best I could in the environment I was in and served honorably. I got out of the Navy with Honorable discharge but they gave me the code of JFT which is total bullshit and then the bastard chain of command promotes a damn rapist and sends him to another A school so he can continue to rape. I have a major problem with this.

I did not enlist to be raped by my own service member. I did not enlist to be betrayed by my chain of command, Senate, House, Department of Defense, Vice President, President and country. I enlisted to serve my country to make a difference. I never thought that I would be raped by a fellow service member that was a third class petty officer.

Everything that happened while I served has affected me deeply. I have so much grief, pain, sadness, betrayal, self hatred, low self-esteem, and am afraid of this happening again. Every day is a fight for me. Today, I woke up crying because of nightmares and cried for over an hour. Rape is not sex. Rape is a violent crime that has affected me and changed everything about me. I do not trust people. I will not let men any where near me. I stay home a lot. I can not hold a job because of the symptoms that I

When my friend told me today that I should be proud, I lost it and cried and cried. There is so much pain from where they did nothing when they could have, finding out that they lost the rape kit and there are no medical records from when I went to the hospital, also being told that it did not matter what he admitted to in the email. That, “We have to know who all you slept with and about any other times you reported being raped.” What in the hell does that have to do with what he did to me in the hotel room at Super 8? What does that have to do with what he admitted to?  Where does Honor, Courage, Commitment come into protecting rapists?  My pride for serving my country is gone. In August, I took remaining Navy shit to Senator Thom Tillis office. The lady just looked at me and did not know what to say. To me all of that stuff just represented a government that protects rapists and ruined my career and life.

There is so much pain inside of me. I am tired of hiding this fact. I was raped when I was 11 by a 16 yr old. I was told then to not say any thing because he would kill me and my family. Then when I went to the University of Cincinnati I was told by a female police officer that I deserved to be raped by the two black men that raped because I was underage and drunk. Then when I was 23, I was told that I was lying about that and oh her precious friend would have never have forced himself on me. I did not go to the hotel room with the third class to have sex with him. I went to the hotel because I wanted to get away from the damn bugs that were in the barracks and wanted to watch football. He forced himself on me and raped me twice.

All of my life, I have been betrayed over and over again, told that I do not matter, and that rape is fine. I am sick of it. Rape is not sex. Rape is a violent act that destroys the person physically, emotionally, spirituality. I deal with Post Traumatic Stress every day. I have cut my thighs several times and have burned my arm on purpose. I cannot look in the mirror because when I look in the mirror I see all of the abuse that I have suffered and all of the pain. There have been several times that I have wished that they would have killed me and several times that I have tried to kill myself.

Again I ask society, why is rape fine to you? Why does growing up involve being raped? Why does attending a university involve being raped? Why does serving your country involve being raped and why are you fine with this? We are your son’s, daughters, niece’s, nephews, brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, grandparents, cousins. We do not deserve this. Also, rape is not just a woman’s issue. Men are raped in the military. 1 in 6 men will be raped in his lifetime. 1 in 4 women will be raped in her lifetime. Every two minutes a woman is raped in this country. Again, I ask why are you fine with this?

I am sick of politicians making great speeches but when it comes to doing a damn thing about childhood rape, university rape, Military Sexual Trauma, human trafficking, they can not do a damn thing. There all just damn liars.





Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s