Yesterday, a person looked at me and asked me if Nia had helped me to lose weight. I am not trying to lose weight and that is not why I am taking Nia. I am taking and teaching Nia because I am healing myself, my ankle, my knee, emotions, and when a person says what they said today, it hits on things that was said over and over again by chain of command, Chief, First Class and etc. Comments like the one today triggers my Post Traumatic Stress. I know the person did not mean harm just tired of it. I am getting comfortable with my body, accepting myself where I am at and that is taking all that I have. I have a hard time looking in mirror. Right know i do not want to be 154 so sometimes I wish people would just back off. Also, my self worth is not based on a number on a scale.
My self worth is not tied up to some damn number on a scale. I was told over and over again that I was fat at 154, fat at 165 and that really hurt me. I lost my career in the Navy because I was raped, gained weight because I was depressed and wanted to be invisible to men.
I wanted to hide my body and started to eat to cope with the pain that I was feeling and did not want to be visible to men any more. Also, I started to hate my body even more and wanted nothing to do with being a woman. I wanted to tell doctor that I wanted my breasts removed surgically and wanted nothing to do with being a woman. I just wanted to be A sexual so that no one would look at me or touch me. There are times that I still feel like this and wish that I had the money to have my breasts removed. I still wear baggy clothes because I am hiding my body and I am not comfortable with my sexuality.
There are times when I cannot and do not want to look in the mirror because all I see it the 11 year old, 19 year old, 23, year old, 25 year old that was raped, told that I deserved it, that I was nothing more then a walking mattress, since I was drunk and drinking underage the men had every right to rape me, and told that the laws do not apply to me. Then there are times when I hear what two Chief’s said to me and what Bug said to me in his email. I hear Senior Chief and Chief telling me over and over again that I was fat.
I am coming back into my body and I am learning to love myself were I am right now. I do not want to put my self worth on some damn number on a scale. I am healing everything that has happened to me and how I feel about myself by loving myself, healing my body, emotions and spirit. I am making different choices about what I eat because it helps me to feel better and helps to keep my Post Traumatic Stress under control. Above all, I am learning how to stay in my body and not to dissociate from myself or the feelings. I am learning that in order to heal all of the pain I feel that I have to feel it to heal it.
I am taking Nia to get back into my body, heal my ankle, knee, emotions, and to have fun. I am learning that I can accept myself where I am right now. I am on a healing journey and it is one day at a time. Some days it is one minute at a time. Above all I am learning to stay connected to myself and not to dissociate. I am healing and it is fine for me to be right where I am today in my healing journey.