Shut Up and Listen to Survivors

Shut Up and Listen to Survivors

You were not there when I was eleven years old

And a friend forced me to give him oral sex

You were not there when I was choking and crying

You were not there when he forced himself on top

Of me and did not care that I was crying.

You were not there when he threatened me to kill me and

My family if I told

You were not there when my mom told me to

Just forget about it and move on

You were not there when two black men raped

Me in a dorm room at Daniels Hall at University of Cincinnati

You were not there when a police officer looked at

Me and told me that I deserved what they did because

I was drinking underage and the two men had

Every right to rape me

You were not there when I went upstairs

And wanted to jump off of the building but

The stairs were blocked with a locked gate

You were not there when I broke down and

Sobbed and sobbed

You were not there when everything I ate

Was  vomited back up

You were not there when a friend took

Me in the bathroom and raped me

You were not there when my friend looked

Right me and told me that her friend would never do a

Thing like that

You were not there when I fell apart and

Started drinking more and more because I wanted the pain to stop

You were not there the day

When he forced himself on top of me

You were not there the night

When he waited for me to pass out

From drinking too much

You were not there when he

Took what I did not consent to

You were not there when I had the rape kit

Done and the stupid male officer forgot to

Cut hairs and had to come back in to cut hairs

You were not there when I talked to OSI

You were not there when I was told that it

Was my fault by chain of command.

You were not there when command had safety stand down

And I could not sit in the room because it was very triggering.

I kept on getting up and going out into hallway

Then a Chief followed me and told me that I had

To sit in there and listen to this.

They were blaming me for being raped twice.

You were not there when I fell apart.

You were not there when Senior Chief said to me,

“We believe you but there is nothing that we can do

About this. Promise me that you will go to counseling. ”

You were not there when Chief called me a liar and

Would not let me leave the ship to go to counseling

I had appointment at rape crisis center and had

Appointment card in my hand and he still called me a liar.

You were not there when I started to cut my arm and

Burned my arm.

You were not there when I started to have flashbacks, nightmares

And wanted to kill myself

You were not there when Chief started telling me that I

Was fat and that I was nothing more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped.

You were not on deployment and had no one to talk to.

You were not told that you are going to talk to a male about being raped

You were not there when I told chain of command there was no

Way in hell that I would talk about being raped with a man

You were not there when the chain of command would do

Nothing about my knee and called me a liar about that too.

You were not there when the chain of command sent me to

Anger management classes with men that abuse there wife’s

You were not there when I was discharged because I had gained

Weight because of Post-Traumatic Stress and the problem with my

Knee.

You were not there when I started going to the VA for therapy

And fell apart during EMDR.

You were not there when the bastard that raped me sent me

An email straight up admitting to it and NCIS still did nothing

You were not here when I got call from Special Agent saying,

“We do not care what he admitted to. We have to investigate you

And know who all you slept with and about any other sexual assaults.”

You were not here when I threw phone across the room and fell apart.

You were not here when that destroyed me and I wanted to die

You were not here when I was triggered by the way a woman

Came at me and I got into fight or freeze.

You were not here when I cut my thighs over 40 times because I hated

Myself and wished that the bastard that had raped me had killed me.

You were not here when I lost three jobs because of Post-Traumatic Stress

You ignore what survivors have told you over and over again

And you only listen to the damn brass that have everything to lose.

Then you ignore survivors of university rape, childhood rape, and do nothing

About human trafficking.

You were not raped so how in the hell do you know what it is like?

How you do know what the chain of command does and does not do?

You have not been raped, so shut up and freaking listen to survivors

That know firsthand what it is to be raped, betrayed, thrown away,

Have life destroyed.

You have not been in my shoes.

So sit down, shut the hell up and listen to what I have told you and

Other survivors.

My life has been changed forever.

I cannot just forget it.

I do not want to hear a damn thing from you until you

Know what it is like to be raped and have your life destroyed.

 

Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

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