On my healing journey, I have learned a lot of things about myself and learned that I am brave, strong, determined, and courageous. At times this journey, in healing has not been any where close to easy for me. I have fallen, did things that I am not proud of, hurt myself and have beat myself up. The thing is that I learned from that experience. I now know that it is okay to reach out for help and to tell someone that I can not handle this. I have learned better ways of coping with what has happened to me. Above all, I have learned in order to heal that I have to feel the feelings.
I know what you are thinking Feel the Feelings? What are you crazy? Yes, I am crazy but feelings are just emotions and they come and go if I allow them and express them. Yes, they hurt like hell and there are times when I do not even want to feel. There are times when I do not want to breathe into the pain or take deep breaths because I know the tears will come streaming out. There are times when I know that I need to talk about what happened and I fight to do that. There are times when I do not want to go there. There are times when I want to talk to someone and then I change my mind because I am still afraid of what they will think. There are things that I am still ashamed of but it’s the guys that raped me shame. Then I listen to two of my favorite songs which are:
I remind myself that it is not my fault. They committed a crime against me. I had no choice in what they did to me. It’s the rapists fault!! It’s the chain of command’s fault for protecting rapists. It’s societies shame for telling me that I deserved what they did and doing nothing to the rapists.
If I need to scream I scream. If I need to be gentle with myself, I am gentle with myself. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need a shoulder to cry on, I will ask, although I am still working on that. If I need to be alone, I am alone. If I need to be around friends, I am around friends. If I need to listen to music and cry, I listen to music and cry. If I need to dance I dance. If I need to stay still, I stay still.
I know that I am one of the ones that is recovering from being raped six times and have come a long way. But this still affects my life. Everyday is a fight. Every day I tell myself that I am okay, that I am safe, and that they are not going to win.