Feel Feelings? What are you Crazy?

On my healing journey, I have learned a lot of things about myself and learned that I am brave, strong, determined, and courageous. At times this journey, in healing has not been any where close to easy for me. I have fallen, did things that I am not proud of, hurt myself and have beat myself up. The thing is that I learned from that experience. I now know that it is okay to reach out for help and to tell someone that I can not handle this.  I have learned better ways of coping with what has happened to me.  Above all, I have learned in order to heal that I have to feel the feelings.

I know what you are thinking Feel the Feelings? What are you crazy? Yes, I am crazy but feelings are just emotions and they come and go if I allow them and express them. Yes, they hurt like hell and there are times when I do not even want to feel. There are times when I do not want to breathe into the pain or take deep breaths because I know the tears will come streaming out. There are times when I know that I need to talk about what happened and I fight to do that. There are times when I do not want to go there. There are times when I want to talk to someone and then I change my mind because I am still afraid of what they will think. There are things that I am still ashamed of but it’s the guys that raped me shame. Then I listen to two of my favorite songs which are:

 

I remind myself that it is not my fault. They committed a crime against me. I had no choice in what they did to me. It’s the rapists fault!! It’s the chain of command’s fault for protecting rapists. It’s societies shame for telling me that I deserved what they did and doing nothing to the rapists.

If I need to scream I scream. If I need to be gentle with myself, I am gentle with myself. If I need to cry, I cry. If I need a shoulder to cry on, I will ask, although I am still working on that. If I need to be alone, I am alone. If I need to be around friends, I am around friends. If I need to listen to music and cry, I listen to music and cry. If I need to dance I dance.  If I need to stay still, I stay still.

I know that I am one of the ones that is recovering from being raped six times and have come a long way. But this still affects my life. Everyday is a fight. Every day I tell myself that I am okay, that I am safe, and that they are not going to win.

 

Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

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