This is one thing that I have never shared publicly because I have always been ashamed of this and did not want to be labeled as crazy but this is my reality. Since I was raped, I have been dealing with chronic pain in my lower back, left ankle and right knee. When I was at the University of Cincinnati I was raped and then moved to another residence hall on the other side of campus. It had snowed the day before and then the snow melted. Overnight the temperature dropped to below freezing and the snow that was melting re froze.
I got up the following morning and started on my way to class. I was going down the stairs outside of the residence hall and slipped. I landed on my ankle and both of the bones broke. I could not walk and the squad was called for me. I went to the ER where they told me that they had to put my bones back in place and then took me to surgery. I had screws and plates in my left ankle for about a year.
A year later they took the screws and plates out and then I started to rehab my ankle. I have discovered through counseling that the trauma is held there from when I was raped and then the surgery and rehabbing. There are times when I feel that I am going crazy but I know that I am not. There is something wrong with my ankle and a lot of emotions are held there.
This past weekend, I was having fun and was at Walt Disney World. We were doing a lot of walking and standing and know my ankle is sprained again. I am sick of being in pain. I am sick of the trauma memories being stuck. I am sick of talking about what happened to me but I know that I need to. I am sick of trying to find a therapist to work with. I just want the pain to stop and at times I just want to end it all. I am not saying that I have a plan to kill myself. I am just saying that I am really tired of the pain and I want someone to hold me and let me cry.