For the past three days, I have been healing my ankle and trying my best to breathe into the pain. My day consists of getting up, taking ace wrap off, putting my foot in cam boot and moving around a little. Next I take dog outside, bring him back in, and then sit in chair with my ankle up. I am really trying to be gentle with myself while I am healing but this has been hard on me.
Last night I was talking to a friend and she reminded me to breathe into the pain and let myself feel. I looked at her and told her that I did not want to do that. She gently reminded me that feeling is the only way to heal and the trauma is held in my ankle. The trauma from when I fell on the stairs. The trauma from the surgery. The trauma from the next surgery. The trauma from when I was raped has gone to my ankle. I do not understand that, but I know that it is true. I do not need to understand why. All I need to do is continue to allow myself to heal and to let the tears come out. I am feeling really vulnerable with this. I hate being vulnerable because I am afraid that I will be hurt. Again today, I am finding myself wanting to be held and to cry.
One thing that I do not handle well is emotional pain and physical pain together. I guess this is another freaking growing opportunity but I hate it. I do not want to be still. I want to go dancing. I want to stay busy so that I am detached from myself. This is making me be still and to be honest with what is going on inside of me. I hate living with Complex Post Traumatic Stress.