A lot of things happened this week. First off, I have been dealing with a sprained ankle and all of the emotions that have surfaced. My sprained ankle is connected to things that happened in the past and I am prone to chronic sprains. This leads to triggers and emotions coming to the surface from when I was at University of Cincinnati. I fell down a flight of stairs and broke both bones. I had to have surgery to fix this. Some how all of the emotions from being raped at UC has gone to my ankle and when it hurts like it has flashbacks and feelings come back.
Then I went to the VA hospital to have blood drawn. When they took my blood I started crying. My appointment was in the Women’s health clinic so I went there to check in. A nurse called me back to take vitals and asked me a bunch of questions about depression, my blood pressure went through the roof and she mentioned having an annual exam. I was there to have my ankle looked at. She told me to go back out and sit in the waiting room. While I was waiting to see the nurse practitioner, two men walked through. One was a African American cop in uniform and that sent me into a trigger and flashbacks. Then there was another man that walked through the Women’s Health Clinic.
Before I knew it I was in fight or flight and ended up leaving the clinic before I saw the nurse practitioner. For me going to the VA is so damn hard because of history and to me it is like walking back into being abused. No one from the VA called to check on me so that proves how much they care.
It’s just been a really emotional week and I have cried so much. On Wednesday, I was talking to a friend about some principles that have to do with blue belt. The five truths about myself. What I was saying was that these five truths are deep and it makes me nervous. I just told her that I was a little nervous about the upcoming belt. She looked at me and said, “When you talk about what happened to you, you are victimizing yourself.” First off, I was not talking about my trauma and was not even trying to go there. I was not going any where close to talking about what I have been through. I was just telling her that this made me nervous and a little scared. When she said what she did, I just looked at her and had no response. Then later I left and on the drive home, I just started crying. What she said really hurt and it old things that have been said to me. To begin with, I do not talk to her about what happened to me. Second, I am service connected at 100 percent for Complex PTSD. Third of all, I was not even approaching the topic because I know to not talk about this. Fourth, it really hurt and I am putting more boundaries in place and keeping my walls up. Fifth, I am back to isolating and not leaving my house because I am just done with people.