Journey Back To My Body and Myself

 

When I was 11, I learned about the evil in the world,

And dissociated from my body.

When I was 19, I learned about the hatred that black men had

Towards me when two black men raped me.

When I was 23, I learned that a friend hated me

When he raped me.

When I was 25, I learned how much hatred a third

Class petty officer had towards me when he

Raped me twice in the same day.

I learned how to dissociate and how to detach from my

Body.

I learned that my body was not a safe place

For me to be.

My body was the last place that I wanted to be.

I started wearing baggy clothes.

Hiding my body,

Hating myself and doing anything to not be

In my body.

 

My journey back to myself started when I stopped drinking,

When I found my way to Artemis Rising

When I started to admit that I was raped at 11, 19, 23, 25 and

Started to tell my story.

I started to put the shame where it belonged

On the rapists, society, and chain of command that did nothing.

I started to talk about what the third class petty officer did

To me and how the chain of command did nothing,

I started to talk about how hurt I was when

They did nothing even after he admitted to

It in an email.

I started to understand that I had complex Post Traumatic Stress

I allowed myself to tell my story and

Allowed myself to feel my feelings.

I allowed myself to say the words that

I needed to say out loud.

 

Then, I found my way to One Billion and Rising Nia Jam

With support from the women in Nia,

I decided to take white belt and realized that I could come back into my body

That I did not have to stay out of my body,

That I was safe coming back to myself,

That I could love my body again,

The connection was made

That it is safe for me to be in my body and

To love myself,

That I can express my true feelings

That I can sound and tell my truth

 

Every day I keep showing up,

Keep suiting up and allowing myself to be seen,

Keep fighting and admitting my truth,

I have the courage to face my demons,

I have the courage to ask for help,

I have the courage to be vulnerable and

Express my true feelings.

 

I will not give up,

They are not going to win,

They have taken enough from me

And I reclaiming who I am every day.

 

Part of reclaiming who I am means that I have

Been reinventing myself by choosing to

Become a Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer,

As part of this training, I learned that I care

About myself enough to have self-compassion

For myself and others.

 

Then I took blue belt and realized that I was safe

to feel what I feel and express what I feel

To tell my truth, to speak my truth, and to laugh

To slow dive to the depths of what is inside of me

And to keep pushing through all of the pain.

That I have a choice,

That it is my birthright to love myself,

To have compassion for myself,

To love my body and to be in my body,

That I can be kinder to myself when I feel sad.

 

I have found my way back to my body and to myself

I am being gentle with myself.

I am loving myself and

Continuing to heal one day at a time.

Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

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