Hurt and Anger: Pulling Further Away From Military Sexual Trauma Community

I posted my poem Journey Back To Myself on my facebook page. People were making nice comments but then someone decided to take an opportunity to accuse me of lying. This really hurt and triggered me. In my poem, I tell my truth and what I have been through since I was 11 years old.

I understand that fellow veterans are on there own paths to healing and some do not want to heal. But when a fellow veteran accuses me of lying when they do not know what I have been through really hurts and triggers all of the crap from when I was at Lackland Air Force Base, the crap from USS Ronald Reagan, chain of command, and what NCIS said to me. To that person, you were not there at A school with me. You were not in the hotel room when he raped me. You were not there when the chain of command did nothing. You were not there when they said, “We believe you but there is not a damn thing that we will do about it.” You were not there when I got suicidal. You were not there when I was retaliated against. You were not there when I got discharged. You were not there when I received email from him. You were not there when I read the email and he said, “So you remember….lol….You are such an ugly woman. Taking a woman is something I am down with.” You were not there when I called NCIS and had to beg them to reopen investigation. You were not there when I started having flashbacks and nightmares. You have not been here with me. You do not know what happened and you have no right saying this kind of shit to me.

This is why I have pulled so far away from the Military Sexual Trauma community. I do not want to be abused any more and will not tolerate this crap. I understand that we are all on our own journeys in healing but this crossed the line. I am going to pull even further away.  When I wrote my book, I experienced hatred. When I was advocating more then I do now  I experienced hatred. When I did not advocate, I was asked why are you not advocating.  I have a choice about this and I am done with the veteran community.  I have enough triggers in my life and do not need people being hateful for no damn reason.

The fact is I was raped at 11. I was raped when I was 19 by two black men at UC. I was raped when I was 23. I was raped by a third class petty officer twice in the same day.  That is the facts. I do not have to prove myself to any one. I am protecting myself and healing myself.  I do not have time for people that are mean spirited and doing the same shit that chain of command did. I am drawing the line in the sand and protecting myself. I do not and will not put up with this.

 

Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

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