When I wake up in the morning, I get my journal and I write down any nightmares from the night before. Next I get up if I feel like it or I will stay in bed until I am done crying. I live with Complex PTSD. I can not work and at times will not leave the house. I have found that going to dance helps me to be around other women that are on similar healing paths to mine. I am coming back into my body and learning that I need to talk about what happened to me when I was eleven.
Today I left the house and went to see my therapist. We talked about what has been happening with me. I told her where I hold my trauma memories and she started to talk to me about somatic experiencing. I am tried of living with constant triggers, flashbacks, nightmares, depression, PTSD, grief, rage, and fighting to live with Post Traumatic Stress. I am tired of the chronic pain from the trauma memories getting stuck in my left ankle, right knee, small of back, and shoulders. I can not work and have lost four jobs because of my Post Traumatic Stress.
I just want to let go of all of this pain. I want to let go of the memories. I am tired of this controlling my life. I am tired of them controlling my life. They took enough when they raped me. They took enough when I lost my childhood, university education, career in the Navy. They took enough from me when they would not do a damn thing when he admitted to raping me in an email.
I am tired of everything that I have to do function every day. I go to dance, see therapist once a week, sometimes twice a week, go to Reiki and then go to see a Somatic Experience Professional and all of this is just so that I can function.