Journey Back to My Body and Myself

My journey back to myself started when I stopped drinking,

When I stopped hurting myself,

When I started going to therapy and started on my road to healing.

When I made a decision to ask for help and

found my way to Artemis Rising

When I started to admit that I was raped at 11, 19, 23, 25 and

Started to tell my truth, my story.

 

When I started to put the shame where it belonged

On the rapists, society, and chain of command that did nothing.

When I started to talk about what the third class petty officer did to me,

When I started to talk about the retaliation that occurred.

When I started to talk about how the chain of command emotionally abused me

When I started to talk about the nightmares and flashbacks,

 

When I started to talk about the deep betrayal that I have felt,

When I started to talk about the grief that I feel and

what was taken away from me,

When I started to talk about the rage that I feel,

When I started to realize that my body holds the trauma

When I started to let all of the tears to come out and

Realized that crying is being strong and healing.

 

When I started to talk about how hurt I was when

They did nothing even after he admitted to

Raping me in an email.

When I started to understand that I had complex Post Traumatic Stress

When I allowed myself to tell my story and

Allowed myself to feel my feelings.

When I allowed myself to say the words that

I needed to say out loud.

 

Then, I found my way to One Billion and Rising Nia Jam

When I decided to take white belt and realized that I could come back into my body

That I did not have to stay out of my body,

That I was safe coming back to myself,

That I could love my body again,

That I could take the steps to take care of myself

by being gentle with myself, self care, and eating healthier.

The connection was made

That it is safe for me to be in my body and

To love myself,

That I can express my true feelings

That I can sound and tell my truth

 

Every day I keep showing up,

Keep suiting up and allowing myself to be seen,

Keep fighting and admitting my truth,

I have the courage to face my demons,

I have the courage to ask for help,

I have the courage to be vulnerable and

Express my true feelings.

 

I will not give up,

They are not going to win,

They have taken enough from me

And I reclaiming who I am every day.

I am a peaceful Warrior who is discovering

Who I am after so much was taken away from me.

Part of reclaiming who I am means that I have

Been reinventing myself by choosing to

Become a Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer,

As part of this training, I learned that I care

About myself enough to have self-compassion

For myself and others.

 

Then I took blue belt and realized that I was safe

to feel what I feel and express what I feel

To tell my truth, to speak my truth, and to laugh

To slow dive to the depths of what is inside of me

And to keep pushing through all of the pain to heal.

That I have a choice,

That it is my birthright to love myself,

To have compassion for myself,

To love my body and to be in my body,

That I can be kinder to myself when I feel sad.

 

I have found my way back to my body and to myself

I am being gentle with myself.

I am listening to the voices of my body,

I am loving myself and

Continuing to heal one day at a time.

Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

2 thoughts on “Journey Back to My Body and Myself”

  1. This has to be the most powerful piece I have ever read since being on this site. To tell the story of your pain, a pain I too myself can relate to is another reason to be inspired. Thank you for being strong and bring to light what the world tries to hide.

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