The past is the past or that is what they say,

They say to just forget it and move on,

If it was that easy I would have done

A long time ago,


The past still affects me today,

I try to just let go like they say,

But the nightmares and flashbacks are

Still there and I am afraid


I try to put on a brave face to hide the pain

But the pain is so real

I do not know what to with the feelings

That I am feeling inside.

I do not know how to hide the hurt that I am feeling.


I am not comfortable in my own skin

I am not comfortable with my sexuality

I want nothing to do with being a woman.

I can not look in the mirror because all I see

Is the pain inside of me.


I do not know the person that is looking back at me.

I have so many feelings to work thru

I do not trust men any more.

I do not trust my chain of command.

I do not want to trust men again.


I am trying so hard to be that Sailor

But do not care about being that Sailor any more

I deal with a chain of command that does not care abour me,

Calls me a liar about being raped, about my knee,

And is ruining my career.

They tell me that I am nothing more then a walking

Mattress that deserved to be raped.

That the UCMJ and laws do not apply to me.


I turn to cutting and burning to deal with

The emotional pain.

I try to deal with the feelings but my feelings

Are coming out in anger and tears.

I have no way to express my feelings on this ship.

I have no one to turn.

I have no way to escape.

I wish that I could just forget that he raped me twice

But what he did to me really happened and the pain is real


Once we get to shore and I am able to get away

From Navy personnel

My friends tell me that I need to talk about

What he did to me

My friends tell me to let the feelings come out

My friends tell me to talk about what he did to me

But I am afraid of saying the words

Afraid of crying

Afraid of being vulnerable,

Afraid of looking in the mirror

Because all I see is the person that was raped and

All of the pain.

I need to tell my story.

I need to look at myself in the mirror to

Be able to heal.




Author: shellback0608

Julie "Jewels" is an Author, Poet, Nia Blue Belt, Green Belt, White Belt dance instructor, Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer, and advocate. When she is not writing, you can find her learning new Nia routines, listening to healing music, taking photographs, playing with her dog and spending time with her friends and family.

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