What is the point of continuing to heal? What is the point of being mindful? What is the point of reaching out and talking about the trauma’s I have been through? The point of talking and feeling is to get it out of me. The point is to understand why I cough when talking about the things that are incredibly painful. The point is to understand why I hold the trauma in my ankle, knee, small of back and at times can not keep food down. The point in talking about what happened to me is to not keep there secret. By keeping quiet and not talking about what happened, they win.
I went to see my therapist yesterday. She looked at me and told me to not talk about what happened to me. She told me to stop writing poetry about being raped. If she had even bothered to notice, I have not been writing poetry about the rapes for a while. I have turned the page and started writing about being a Peaceful Warrior, What is a Warrior? What is Courage?, Discovering Me, What is Power? and Mighty Blue Heron. Once she told me to stop writing about the rapes, I shut down, came home and cried. I got my weighted blanket, turned on soft music and used some aroma therapy to calm down.
I went to bed early. I wanted the day to just be over. I cried myself to sleep. This morning, I woke up and was feeling really angry. I cannot believe that someone that I am paying to be there for me, looked at me and told to stop talking about what had happened to me. This immediately triggered what my mom said to me when I was eleven. It triggered what Ryan said to me. It triggered what the police officer said to me at the University of Cincinnati. It triggered all of the voices from the chain of command that did nothing. It triggered what he said to me in the email. It triggered what the special agent said to me in 2012.
I just do not understand why it is so damn hard for me to find a therapist that actually cares and can be there for me. Why is it so damn hard for a trained therapist to care and help me? That is all that I am asking for is help to heal, for a trained professional to listen and support me.