I am done changing my truth, my story to make others happy. No one cared when I was raped at 11. I was threatened that I would be killed if I told what he did to be. When I did tell, I was grounded to the yard. Then I was told to just forget about it. When I was at the University of Cincinnati and was raped by two black men (Yes I just said that) I was told by female police officer that they had every right to do what they did because I was drinking underage. That the two black men where entitle to rape me. The campus did not do a damn thing about it.
In the Navy, I was told that it was my fault, that I was nothing more then a walking mattress, and the laws did not apply to me. My career was ruined. I was retaliated against. I was called a liar. I was singled out for extra duty. When I hurt my knee, I fought with the chain of command for over two years and they did nothing about it. I was conveniently administratively discharged and given the code of JFT erroneous enlistment.
I went to the VA and they fixed what the chain of command on the Reagan said did not exist. In 2013, the second petty officer that raped me sent me an email on Navytogetherwe served admitting to what he did. NCIS still did nothing and told me, “You are lying. We have to investigate you and know who all you have slept with and about any other reports that you have ever made.”
So I am done being quiet. I am done with being silenced. I am done with sugar coating what happened to me so others can go on with their lives believing that rape is sex. Rape is not sex. Protecting rapists and shaming survivors is not okay. Promoting rapists and sending them to other commands so they can continue to rape is not okay. Allowing rapists to retire with their benefits from the military is not okay. All they are going to do is become a civilian and start raping more women. Then you have the universities doing nothing about the rape epidemic at campuses. Since when did going to an university mean here rape me?
People you need to freaking wake up and hear my truth and other survivors truth. I am not going to change my poetry for a publisher because they are not comfortable or do not like what I wrote. I am done changing for others. It’s time you know the truth of what the rapists did to me. I am not going to change what I wrote because you are uncomfortable with the details. You try to live in my shoes for a day. You try losing jobs because of PTSD. You try living with PTSD.
Let’s see how you handle being raped, told you are nothing, start cutting yourself and burning yourself. Let’s see how you handle being told that you are nothing but a walking mattress that only here to service men. Let’s see how you do fighting for benefits. Let’s see how you do losing three jobs because of triggers, anxiety, can not stand noise. Let’s see you go to therapy two times a week. Let’s see how you like being invisible and not heard no matter how loud you shout. Let’s see how you like being dismissed and told to just get over it and move on. Oh my favorite, oh it wasn’t that bad and it did not happen the way you are telling it. WAS YOU THERE WHEN THEY RAPED ME? WERE YOU THERE WHEN THE POLICE OFFICER LOOKED AT ME AND SAID THEY ARE ENTITLED TO RAPE YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE DRINKING UNDERAGE? YOU WERE THERE ON THE USS RONALD REAGAN WHEN THE CHAIN OF COMMAND WAS RETALIATING AGAINST ME?
How about you listen to my truth and others truth and do something about the rape epidemic in this country? Do not tell me to change my story because you are uncomfortable. Try living my life. Try being in my shoes.