You were not there when I was eleven years’ old
And a friend forced me to give him oral sex.
You were not there when I was choking and crying.
You were not there when he forced himself on top
Of me and did not care that I was crying.
You were not there when he
threatened me to kill me and
My family if I told.
You were not there when I was told to
Just forget about it and move on.
You were not there when two men raped
Me in a dorm room at University of Cincinnati.
You were not there when a police officer looked at
Me and told me that I deserved what they did because
I was drinking underage and the two
men had every right to rape me.
You were not there the night when I cried myself
To sleep and slept for over sixteen hours because
I was emotionally exhausted.
You were not there when I stopped caring
About going to my classes and got into a depression.
You were not there when I was terrified that I would
Run into the two men on campus.
You were not there when I went upstairs
And wanted to jump off of the building but
The stairs were blocked with a locked gate.
You were not there when I broke
down and sobbed and sobbed.
You were not there when everything
I ate was vomited back up.
You were not there when a friend took
Me in the bathroom and raped me.
You were not there when my friend looked
Right me and told me that
her friend would never do,
a thing like that.
You were not there when I fell apart and
Started drinking more and more,
because I wanted the pain to stop.
You were not there the day,
When he forced himself on top of me.
You were not there the night,
When he waited for me to pass out,
From drinking too much.
You were not there when he,
Took what I did not consent to.
You were not there when I had the rape kit.
Done and the stupid male officer forgot to,
Cut hairs and had to come back in to cut hairs.
You were not there when I talked to the police
You were not there when I was told that
it was my fault by chain of command
You were not there when command
had safety stand down,
And I could not sit in the room
because it was very triggering.
I kept on getting up and
going out into hallway.
Then a Chief followed me
and told me that I had
To sit in there and listen to this.
They were blaming me for being raped twice.
You were not there when I fell apart.
You were not there when Senior Chief said to me,
“We believe you but there is nothing that we can do
About this. Promise me that you will go to counseling. ”
You were not there when Chief called me a liar and
Would not let me leave the ship to go to counseling
I had appointment at rape crisis center and
I had appointment card in my hand and
he still called me a liar.
You were not there when I
started to cut my arm and burned my arm.
You were not there when I started to
have flashbacks, nightmares
And wanted to kill myself.
You were not there when Chief
started telling me that I
Was fat and that I was nothing
more than a walking mattress
That deserved to be raped.
You were not on deployment and
had no one to talk to.
You were not there when a second
Class petty officer shoved me into the wall.
You were not told that you are
going to talk to a male about being raped.
You were not there when I told
chain of command there was no
Way in hell that I would talk
about being raped with a man.
You were not there when the chain
of command would do
Nothing about my knee and
called me a liar about that too.
You were not there when the
chain of command sent me to
Anger management classes with
men that abuse their wife’s.
You were not there when I was
discharged because I had gained
Weight because of Post-Traumatic Stress
And the problem with my knee.
You were not there when I started
going to the VA for therapy
And fell apart during EMDR.
You were not there when the
bastard that raped me sent me
An email straight up admitting to
it and they still did nothing
You were not here when I got
call from Special Agent saying,
“We do not care what he admitted to.
We have to investigate you
And know who all you slept with
and about any other sexual assaults.”
You were not here when I threw
phone across the room and fell apart.
You were not here when that
destroyed me and I wanted to die
You were not here when I was
triggered by the way a woman
Came at me and I got into fight or freeze.
You were not here when I was talking
To my supervisor and was in tears.
You were not there when she told me
That I need to go to the VA for
Post-Traumatic Stress counseling.
You were not there when I lost
my job because of Post-Traumatic Stress.
You were there when I went
to an intensive 15-day retreat center.
You were not here when I cut
my thighs over 40 times because I hated
Myself and wished that the bastard
that had raped me had killed me.
You were not here when doctor at
The VA told me, “I should be fine sitting
In a room full of men and have no
Reaction because I am not on base.”
You were not here when that same doctor
Looked at me and said, “What do you want
Us to do helicopter you in?”
You were not here when I went to the Outpatient
Facility and was called back into hallway
And told by Physician Assistant, “You do not
Have an appointment today.”
You were not there when I was driving
Home from the Outpatient facility and
Was thinking about killing myself.
You were not here when I
lost three jobs because of Post-Traumatic Stress
You ignore what we survivors
have told you over and over again
And you only listen to the damn
brass that have everything to lose.
Then you ignore survivors of
university rape, childhood rape, and do nothing
About human trafficking.
You were not raped so how in
the hell do you know what it is like?
How you do know what the chain
of command does and does not do?
You have not been raped, so shut
up and listen to survivors
That know firsthand what it is to be raped,
betrayed, thrown away, have life destroyed.
You have not been in my shoes.
So sit down, shut the hell up and listen to
What I have told you and what other survivors
Have told you.
My life has been changed forever.
I cannot just forget it.
I do not want to hear a damn
thing from you until you
Know what it is like to be raped
and have your life destroyed.
You do not know what it is like to live
with Post Traumatic Stress
You do not know what I go through each
and every day to just function.
You have not had to pay thousands of dollars
for therapy after you were raped.
Why should I have to pay for
therapy when I did not rape myself?
Healing from Military Sexual Trauma and Post Traumatic Stress 