The Journey Back to Myself

Excerpt from the beginning of my new book:

To My Reader,

My first book was where I told the stories of what happened to me when I reported that I was raped when I was 11, 19, 23 and 25. This book contains poetry that I have written this past year as I have continued my healing journey by finding my way to Nia, movement based body-mind-spirit-emotion practice, continuing therapy and finding my scared livelihood. In these twelve months I have learned many things about myself and continue to come home into my body. I have learned that I can love body and myself.  I have learned that I am safe to express the feelings that I am feeling. I have found my voice and continue to speak my truth.

In early 2014, I went to a retreat called Artemis Rising in Bluemont, Virginia. The retreat offered EMDR therapy, art therapy, kayaking, hiking, archery, acupuncture, equine therapy, and somatic therapy. One of the therapists at Artemis Rising introduced us to a dance routine called “Break the Chain.” We learned the choreography and I felt so empowered. This is when I started to realize that I like to dance, and by dancing I am able to access feelings that are locked away. Though dance, I can let the tears come out.

After the retreat, I came back home and got involved in my life again. At the same time, I found out my mother’s cancer had returned and was feeling very emotional. I began to look for a way to express what I was feeling. A regular Nia practice, taking classes, and attending “belt” intensives, has helped me to feel again, to come back into my body and to heal on a deeper level. Nia is teaching me I do not need to leave my body, but that I am safe to feel what I need to feel and to express what I am feeling. Most importantly, it is doing what therapy has not been able to do, and is allowing me to access feelings I cannot talk about.

 

I took the Nia White Belt in July 2015 with an amazing trainer, Kate. That was an awesome experience! By doing the White Belt I developed a relationship with my body. I realized that I do not need to be ashamed of my body and can love my body. I learned where I hold my feelings and memories, and instead of criticizing and hating those parts of me, I began to accept and love those parts of me. Kate taught me to be present, to talk to my body, listen to my body and be loving to my body. I learned that I can dance and trust myself and embody the 52 moves of Nia. She taught me to listen to the music. I am all about the base, and I love music that has drums. I am coming back home to myself.

After this amazing White Belt, Kate recommended that I do Reiki Jin Kei Do with Haven. I was coming home into my body, experiencing pain in my right knee and left ankle were I held trauma memories. By doing Reiki, I was able to release energy, feelings and continued to process what I was feeling. I allowed myself to feel what I was feeling and allowed the tears to come out. At times, when I was laying on the table I shook. I got scared. Haven told me that I was safe and that it was my body doing what it needed to do to let go of the energy of all of the traumas. Also, she told me that I was safe with her, that she had me and that I could be real with her.

In September, I took the Green Belt with Stephaney. which continued to build on the foundation from my White Belt, learning where I hold my memories and about music, how to cue on the three and six. I learned the importance of just trying, and that I don’t have to be perfect. Also, I learned to that I did not listen to my body and that I continued to push through the pain when I did not need to do that. So from this point on I started to listen to my body more. My best varies from day to day. When something hurts it is time to stop, listen to my body and tweak the movement.

Late in November, I got a job working as a Photographer. I quickly learned that my Post Traumatic Stress still affects me. I tried my best to work there but there were to many triggers. One day I came into work and the manager asked if she could talk to me. She told me that one of the customers told her that I would not allow her to fix her daughter’s hair when I was taking pictures. I told my manger that was bogus and that one of the other photographers was in the room with me. We both told her mother, to go ahead and fix her daughters hair. While my manager was talking to me, I fell apart. She approached me the wrong way. I told her that I was done for the day and came home. I never went back to work there. The next day, I went to see my therapist and told her what had happened. My therapist helped me to work through this and asked me if I really needed to be working. I told her that the only way, I could envision myself working would be as my own boss at my own business.  That was the last day I worked. I have continued to go to therapy, do Reiki, and dance.

January is a rough month for me since January 17^th, is the anniversary of when I was raped in the military.  I was driving in my car listening to music when I heard several songs that I loved. I found out who the artists were. I realized that the music had touched me deeply. I took the music I found to Lynda Heymen. I asked her if she would listen to the music. She loved the music so we started to co create a routine called Steppin In. This process helped me to get through a rough time of year. Also, it helped me to understand the principles of white belt on a deeper level, how to bar music, what goes into creating a routine, and deepened my practice with Nia.  I changed the meaning of January and will remember co creating an amazing routine with Lynda.

In May, I took Reiki Jin Kei Do training with Haven where I learned more about being a Reiki Jin Kei Do energy healer. The week started by Haven making this fabulous grape detox drink that cleansed my insides. I noticed that I was feeling a lot of emotions, that I was letting go of the past and was able to feel what I was feeling. I learned about the history of Reiki Jin Kei Do and how to do a session. Haven attuned me and two other people. One of the women in the training picked up on my energy when we were getting attuned in the morning but did not say anything until it was my turn to practice Reiki on her. She told me and the others that she could tell that I was really sad. I started crying. Haven was there to hold me and told me that it was fine to let the tears come out. That day I was able to let go of the emotions and learned that it was okay for me to cry in front of people.

After the training, I started doing a 21 cleanse that involved drinking teas, and water, as well eating vegetables and fruits.  Every morning I got up, made my smoothie with kale, spinach, strawberries, blueberries, flaxseed oil, orange juice and fish oil. Then I meditated and performed a self-treatment on myself.  I noticed that I was more present in my body and centered. I was able to breathe easier. I processed what I was feeling by writing in a journal and allowed myself to feel more completely. I had compassion for myself and others. When I became angry or jealous, I wrote down why I was feeling that way. It helped me to see what was going on inside of me and to process what I needed to process.

Then, later in May, I took Blue Belt with Winalee which continues to build on the foundation from White Belt, learning to have intimate knowledge with 52 moves of Nia, music and relationship. During Blue Belt, I took a slow dive into my mind to learn about myself.  I learned that I have a gift for finding music that creates magic and movement. Second, learned to have a relationship with myself, the class, the 52 moves of Nia, and the music. Third, I learned I love being on the floor, that; is where I feel grounded, safe, connected to earth, and am able to allow myself to feel. Fourth, I learned the many truths about myself and as I continued to allowed myself to feel.  Fifth, I learned that I am great at writing poetry and have put together this book to continue to tell my story of healing. Blue Belt was amazing for me and taught me so much about myself.

In July, Lynda asked me to take a training with her called Hakomi Somatic Psychotherapy. This workshop was amazing. I learned so much about what Hakomi is and learned about how my body still holds the trauma memories. I learned that mindfulness is very important in my everyday life, helping me to move beyond my normal ways of thinking and to stay connected to myself. I am able to have compassion for myself and others. Also learned about how important unity is.  We are all connected in this world. We are all one.

Every day I am continuing to learn more about myself. I am continuing to go to go therapy and Hakomi Somatic Psychotherapy to heal my body.  I am discovering who I am, what my place is in this world and what my talents are.  Right know at this moment, I am meant to teach Nia, continue to heal, help other survivors to heal, find music that helps people to heal, dance, write poetry, take photographs, take as many trainings as I can, and to be a Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer.  I am meant to continue to heal myself.  This is my purpose. This is my truth.

I hope that you enjoy reading this book of my poetry, written as I’ve healed over the course of one year.

 

 

Shut Up and Listen to Survivors

 

You were not there when I was eleven years’ old

And a friend forced me to give him oral sex.

You were not there when I was choking and crying.

You were not there when he forced himself on top

Of me and did not care that I was crying.

You were not there when he

threatened me to kill me and

My family if I told.

You were not there when I was told to

Just forget about it and move on.

 

You were not there when two men raped

Me in a dorm room at University of Cincinnati.

You were not there when a police officer looked at

Me and told me that I deserved what they did because

I was drinking underage and the two

men had every right to rape me.

You were not there the night when I cried myself

To sleep and slept for over sixteen hours because

I was emotionally exhausted.

You were not there when I stopped caring

About going to my classes and got into a depression.

You were not there when I was terrified that I would

Run into the two men on campus.

 

You were not there when I went upstairs

And wanted to jump off of the building but

The stairs were blocked with a locked gate.

You were not there when I broke

down and sobbed and sobbed.

You were not there when everything

I ate was vomited back up.

 

You were not there when a friend took

Me in the bathroom and raped me.

You were not there when my friend looked

Right me and told me that

her friend would never do,

a thing like that.

You were not there when I fell apart and

Started drinking more and more,

because I wanted the pain to stop.

 

You were not there the day,

When he forced himself on top of me.

You were not there the night,

When he waited for me to pass out,

From drinking too much.

You were not there when he,

Took what I did not consent to.

 

You were not there when I had the rape kit.

Done and the stupid male officer forgot to,

Cut hairs and had to come back in to cut hairs.

You were not there when I talked to the police

You were not there when I was told that

it was my fault by chain of command

 

You were not there when command

had safety stand down,

And I could not sit in the room

because it was very triggering.

I kept on getting up and

going out into hallway.

Then a Chief followed me

and told me that I had

To sit in there and listen to this.

They were blaming me for being raped twice.

 

You were not there when I fell apart.

You were not there when Senior Chief said to me,

“We believe you but there is nothing that we can do

About this. Promise me that you will go to counseling. ”

You were not there when Chief called me a liar and

Would not let me leave the ship to go to counseling

I had appointment at rape crisis center and

I had appointment card in my hand and

he still called me a liar.

 

You were not there when I

started to cut my arm and burned my arm.

You were not there when I started to

have flashbacks, nightmares

And wanted to kill myself.

You were not there when Chief

started telling me that I

Was fat and that I was nothing

more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped.

 

You were not on deployment and

had no one to talk to.

You were not there when a second

Class petty officer shoved me into the wall.

You were not told that you are

going to talk to a male about being raped.

 

You were not there when I told

chain of command there was no

Way in hell that I would talk

about being raped with a man.

 

You were not there when the chain

of command would do

Nothing about my knee and

called me a liar about that too.

You were not there when the

chain of command sent me to

Anger management classes with

men that abuse their wife’s.

 

You were not there when I was

discharged because I had gained

Weight because of Post-Traumatic Stress

And the problem with my knee.

 

You were not there when I started

going to the VA for therapy

And fell apart during EMDR.

 

You were not there when the

bastard that raped me sent me

An email straight up admitting to

it and they still did nothing

 

You were not here when I got

call from Special Agent saying,

“We do not care what he admitted to.

We have to investigate you

And know who all you slept with

and about any other sexual assaults.”

You were not here when I threw

phone across the room and fell apart.

You were not here when that

destroyed me and I wanted to die

 

You were not here when I was

triggered by the way a woman

Came at me and I got into fight or freeze.

You were not here when I was talking

To my supervisor and was in tears.

You were not there when she told me

That I need to go to the VA for

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling.

 

You were not there when I lost

my job because of Post-Traumatic Stress.

You were there when I went

to an intensive 15-day retreat center.

You were not here when I cut

my thighs over 40 times because I hated

Myself and wished that the bastard

that had raped me had killed me.

 

You were not here when doctor at

The VA told me, “I should be fine sitting

In a room full of men and have no

Reaction because I am not on base.”

You were not here when that same doctor

Looked at me and said, “What do you want

Us to do helicopter you in?”

You were not here when I went to the Outpatient

Facility and was called back into hallway

And told by Physician Assistant, “You do not

Have an appointment today.”

 

You were not there when I was driving

Home from the Outpatient facility and

Was thinking about killing myself.

You were not here when I

lost three jobs because of Post-Traumatic Stress

You ignore what we survivors

have told you over and over again

And you only listen to the damn

brass that have everything to lose.

 

Then you ignore survivors of

university rape, childhood rape, and do nothing

About human trafficking.

You were not raped so how in

the hell do you know what it is like?

 

How you do know what the chain

of command does and does not do?

You have not been raped, so shut

up and listen to survivors

That know firsthand what it is to be raped,

betrayed, thrown away, have life destroyed.

You have not been in my shoes.

So sit down, shut the hell up and listen to

What I have told you and what other survivors

Have told you.

 

My life has been changed forever.

I cannot just forget it.

I do not want to hear a damn

thing from you until you

Know what it is like to be raped

and have your life destroyed.

 

You do not know what it is like to live

with Post Traumatic Stress

You do not know what I go through each

and every day to just function.

You have not had to pay thousands of dollars

for therapy after you were raped.

Why should I have to pay for

therapy when I did not rape myself?

Done Changing What I Say to Make Others Happy

I am done changing my truth, my story to make others happy. No one cared when I was raped at 11. I was threatened that I would be killed if I told what he did to be. When I did tell, I was grounded to the yard. Then I was told to just forget about it. When I was at the University of Cincinnati and was raped by two black men (Yes I just said that) I was told by female police officer that they had every right to do what they did because I was drinking underage. That the two black men where entitle to rape me. The campus did not do a damn thing about it.

In the Navy, I was told that it was my fault, that I was nothing more then a walking mattress, and the laws did not apply to me. My career was ruined. I was retaliated against. I was called a liar. I was singled out for extra duty. When I hurt my knee, I fought with the chain of command for over two years and they did nothing about it. I was conveniently administratively discharged and given the code of JFT erroneous enlistment.

I went to the VA and they fixed what the chain of command on the Reagan said did not exist. In 2013, the second petty officer that raped me sent me an email on Navytogetherwe served admitting to what he did. NCIS still did nothing and told me, “You are lying. We have to investigate you and know who all you have slept with and about any other reports that you have ever made.”

So I am done being quiet. I am done with being silenced. I am done with sugar coating what happened to me so others can go on with their lives believing that rape is sex. Rape is not sex. Protecting rapists and shaming survivors is not okay. Promoting rapists and sending them to other commands so they can continue to rape is not okay. Allowing rapists to retire with their benefits from the military is not okay. All they are going to do is become a civilian and start raping more women.  Then you have the universities doing nothing about the rape epidemic at campuses. Since when did going to an university mean here rape me?

People you need to freaking wake up and hear my truth and other survivors truth. I am not going to change my poetry for a publisher because they are not comfortable or do not like what I wrote. I am done changing for others. It’s time you know the truth of what the rapists did to me. I am not going to change what I wrote because you are uncomfortable with the details. You try to live in my shoes for a day. You try losing jobs because of PTSD. You try living with PTSD.

Let’s see how you handle being raped, told you are nothing, start cutting yourself and burning yourself. Let’s see how you handle being told that you are nothing but a walking mattress that only here to service men. Let’s see how you do fighting for benefits. Let’s see how you do losing three jobs because of triggers, anxiety, can not stand noise. Let’s see you go to therapy two times a week. Let’s see how you like being invisible and not heard no matter how loud you shout.  Let’s see how you like being dismissed and told to just get over it and move on. Oh my favorite, oh it wasn’t that bad and it did not happen the way you are telling it. WAS YOU THERE WHEN THEY RAPED ME? WERE YOU THERE WHEN THE POLICE OFFICER LOOKED AT ME AND SAID THEY ARE ENTITLED TO RAPE YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE DRINKING UNDERAGE? YOU WERE THERE ON THE USS RONALD REAGAN WHEN THE CHAIN OF COMMAND WAS RETALIATING AGAINST ME?

How about you listen to my truth and others truth and do something about the rape epidemic in this country? Do not tell me to change my story because you are uncomfortable. Try living my life. Try being in my shoes.

 

 

 

 

Mirror

 

The past is the past or that is what they say,

They say to just forget it and move on,

If it was that easy I would have done

A long time ago,

 

The past still affects me today,

I try to just let go like they say,

But the nightmares and flashbacks are

Still there and I am afraid

 

I try to put on a brave face to hide the pain

But the pain is so real

I do not know what to with the feelings

That I am feeling inside.

I do not know how to hide the hurt that I am feeling.

 

I am not comfortable in my own skin

I am not comfortable with my sexuality

I want nothing to do with being a woman.

I can not look in the mirror because all I see

Is the pain inside of me.

 

I do not know the person that is looking back at me.

I have so many feelings to work thru

I do not trust men any more.

I do not trust my chain of command.

I do not want to trust men again.

 

I am trying so hard to be that Sailor

But do not care about being that Sailor any more

I deal with a chain of command that does not care abour me,

Calls me a liar about being raped, about my knee,

And is ruining my career.

They tell me that I am nothing more then a walking

Mattress that deserved to be raped.

That the UCMJ and laws do not apply to me.

 

I turn to cutting and burning to deal with

The emotional pain.

I try to deal with the feelings but my feelings

Are coming out in anger and tears.

I have no way to express my feelings on this ship.

I have no one to turn.

I have no way to escape.

I wish that I could just forget that he raped me twice

But what he did to me really happened and the pain is real

 

Once we get to shore and I am able to get away

From Navy personnel

My friends tell me that I need to talk about

What he did to me

My friends tell me to let the feelings come out

My friends tell me to talk about what he did to me

But I am afraid of saying the words

Afraid of crying

Afraid of being vulnerable,

Afraid of looking in the mirror

Because all I see is the person that was raped and

All of the pain.

I need to tell my story.

I need to look at myself in the mirror to

Be able to heal.

 

 

 

What have I been up to this week?

This week as been amazing. I have been able to be there for White Belt trainees as an auditor, inn keeper, and emotional support. I have learned more about the principles White Belt by auditing and am deepening my Nia practice that much more. I have come  more into my body and am listening deeper. I know what to do about the pain that I feel from the trauma’s. I let myself feel the feelings, cry and express myself with judgement.

I am working on writing my second part to my book that tells my truth from when I found Nia to now. I have changed a lot. I am continuing to heal. I have learned that I still want to advocate but I am not going to worrying with Washington(that seems like a waste of time to me).

My friends have told me that they love my poetry and they would love for me to publish the poetry I have written in a book. So all of this is in the works. It’s going to take a little bit of time but a new book will be coming out. I am really excited about this. I am a wounded healer and I want to help as many people as I can.

Grief and Rising

 

Missing the innocent girl I was

Miss the trusting girl I was

I miss the girl who chased her dream to serve her country

Thinking that the six guys and chain of command had killed her

Just go through the motions

Afraid to trust

Afraid to feel

Dissociate because that is what she was taught

Sometimes have thought why did you just not fight them and make them kill you,

why did you just ya there, why did you not jump when you had the chance,

Sometimes have wanted to get rid of this body, to hide this body

so that men would not look at me or hurt me again

But the belief it happened because of what I was wearing and that I was drunk, came from society not me.

It is time to unlearn everything that society has taught me,

Time to learn to feel, to stay present, to cry, to be angry, to laugh, to sing.

Am learning every day that there are more threads to me

That I am rising and changing, rediscovering who I am becoming who I want to be

Putting the pieces back together and becoming an arrow continuing to rise into the light

Shining light on the things that I have never told anyone and letting go of old habits, old ways of doing things

I will become who I want to be and the world is going to hear me, ROAR!!

I will speak my truth, and they will hear me

I do not care what they think

No more excuses!! No more abuse!!

I am back!!!! I have the little girl back!!

She is stronger

She is beautiful

Yes she is changed, but she is complex, caring, and compassionate, understanding and she is faultless.

She has brought with her: Patience, Truth, Anger, and Empowerment

She is not alone and together we will rise.

 

 

Copyrighted 2015

Finding My Voice

Finding my voice to tell my story,

At first terrified to tell my truth

So I remain quiet and turn the pain on myself

I try many ways to cope with what happened to me,

I find a therapist that tells me that I am safe,

That she is there for me and believes me,

That I can trust her and that she is there for me,

I start to tell my story and begin to find my voice,

I am saying the words and

I hear my voice but it is shaking,

I hear the words coming out of my mouth

I feel myself dissociating from myself as I tell my story,

She tells me that it is not my fault,

My therapist asks me what do I feel, what do I hear,

What do I see, What do I smell, and she asks me to

take some deep breaths,

She tells me that it is okay to cry and she

Wants me to stay connected to what I am feeling

To feel the feelings that I am having,

To stay in the conversation and not to go away.

Each time I tell my story I am taking my

Power back and get a little bit stronger

Each time I tell my story I putting the

Shame where it belongs

Each time I tell my story I am advocating

For myself

Each time I tell my story I am advocating for

Those that are not able to speak

Each time I find my voice and tell what happened

When I was eleven; I am breaking the silence

And telling what he did to me

Each time I find my voice and tell what happened

At UC, I am bringing attention to how University

Of Cincinnati protected two rapists.

Each time I find my voice I am bringing

Attention to how the chain of command

Does nothing about rape

Each time I tell my story and find my voice

I am healing myself and helping another

Person to heal.

Each time I tell my story my voice gets

Stronger and stronger.

Each time I tell my story I am returning to

Myself

 

 

Jewels reads her Poem Shut Up and Listen To Survivors

Jewels shares her reads her poem Born A Girl

Born With A VAGINA

 

Born With a Vagina,

I was given the label of girl,

I was taught to dress a certain,

I was taught to follow what my mom did,

I was told that I was supposed to wear dresses,

That I was supposed to do house work,

That I was supposed to be skinny,

That I was supposed to wear makeup,

That I was supposed to play with certain toys

Such as Barbie dolls, house, care bears,  girl toys,

And that I was only to be interested in girl things,

That I was not supposed to be good at science or math,

Once I became I tomboy I no longer fit into what

Society wanted me to be since I was born with a Vagina,

I wanted to climb trees, play basketball, football, baseball,

Ride bikes, get dirty, and play war there was something

wrong with  me and I had to be shown where

I belonged in society,

I had to be taught a lesson that is when Ryan

showed me what porn was, what violence was,

And raped me,

Then I was threatened that I would be killed if I told anyone,

My friend told his mom and his mom called my mom,

I was then grounded to the yard and told to just

Forget about what happened to me

I was told that since I had been born with a Vagina that

I was only here to be raped and that the laws do not apply

To girls that have been raped.

As I grew up, I still did not fit into what society wanted

Me to be because I wanted nothing to do with being a woman

I wanted nothing to do with wearing dresses,

I wanted nothing to do with wearing makeup and having long hair,

I wanted nothing to do with sex or my sexuality

Then two black men raped me when I was intoxicated and could

Not consent,

Then I was once again told by Female Police Officer that I deserved

What they did to me because I was drinking underage and that

Entitled two black me to rape me.

Then the University of Cincinnati sent me to be evaluated for a mental

Health disorder instead of doing anything to the two black

Men that raped me,

I became suicidal and wanted to die and I tried to kill myself

Once again I was told that since I have a Vagina that I am some how

Weaker and do not matter as much as men.

That is was perfectly fine to be raped by two men,

After all that was what I was born for since

I was born with a Vagina and men were entitled to rape me

And the laws do not apply to me.

Then when I was 23, I was raped again and did not bother

To make a police report,

I knew that no one would do a damn thing

Then when I was 25 I was raped by a third class petty officer

Twice in the same day,

I did not say anything until the next day when a friend

Asked me what was wrong?

She went and told the chain of command

They took me to have rape exam done at Wilford ER,

OSI came and talked to me,

The chain of command blamed me for being raped,

Master Chief said, “We believe you but there is not a damn thing

We can do about it.  Here’s your orders to your next command. Promise

Me that you will go to counseling.

Then the retaliation started,

I was not allowed to go to counseling at rape crisis center,

I was told that I was lying,

I was told that I was fat,

I was told that I was nothing more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped

My career was ruined and I was given code of JFT erroneous enlistment

Then in 2013 when he straight up admitted to raping me they still did

Nothing.

I was told that, “We have to investigate you. We have to know who

All you have slept with. About any other reports that you

Have made. We do not care what he said in his email to you.

So once again I was told that since I was born with a VAGINA

That I am nothing

That rape is fine and we do not give a damn about you

That rape is not against the law and we only protect rapists.