Shut Up and Listen to Survivors

 

You were not there when I was eleven years’ old

And a friend forced me to give him oral sex.

You were not there when I was choking and crying.

You were not there when he forced himself on top

Of me and did not care that I was crying.

You were not there when he

threatened me to kill me and

My family if I told.

You were not there when I was told to

Just forget about it and move on.

 

You were not there when two men raped

Me in a dorm room at University of Cincinnati.

You were not there when a police officer looked at

Me and told me that I deserved what they did because

I was drinking underage and the two

men had every right to rape me.

You were not there the night when I cried myself

To sleep and slept for over sixteen hours because

I was emotionally exhausted.

You were not there when I stopped caring

About going to my classes and got into a depression.

You were not there when I was terrified that I would

Run into the two men on campus.

 

You were not there when I went upstairs

And wanted to jump off of the building but

The stairs were blocked with a locked gate.

You were not there when I broke

down and sobbed and sobbed.

You were not there when everything

I ate was vomited back up.

 

You were not there when a friend took

Me in the bathroom and raped me.

You were not there when my friend looked

Right me and told me that

her friend would never do,

a thing like that.

You were not there when I fell apart and

Started drinking more and more,

because I wanted the pain to stop.

 

You were not there the day,

When he forced himself on top of me.

You were not there the night,

When he waited for me to pass out,

From drinking too much.

You were not there when he,

Took what I did not consent to.

 

You were not there when I had the rape kit.

Done and the stupid male officer forgot to,

Cut hairs and had to come back in to cut hairs.

You were not there when I talked to the police

You were not there when I was told that

it was my fault by chain of command

 

You were not there when command

had safety stand down,

And I could not sit in the room

because it was very triggering.

I kept on getting up and

going out into hallway.

Then a Chief followed me

and told me that I had

To sit in there and listen to this.

They were blaming me for being raped twice.

 

You were not there when I fell apart.

You were not there when Senior Chief said to me,

“We believe you but there is nothing that we can do

About this. Promise me that you will go to counseling. ”

You were not there when Chief called me a liar and

Would not let me leave the ship to go to counseling

I had appointment at rape crisis center and

I had appointment card in my hand and

he still called me a liar.

 

You were not there when I

started to cut my arm and burned my arm.

You were not there when I started to

have flashbacks, nightmares

And wanted to kill myself.

You were not there when Chief

started telling me that I

Was fat and that I was nothing

more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped.

 

You were not on deployment and

had no one to talk to.

You were not there when a second

Class petty officer shoved me into the wall.

You were not told that you are

going to talk to a male about being raped.

 

You were not there when I told

chain of command there was no

Way in hell that I would talk

about being raped with a man.

 

You were not there when the chain

of command would do

Nothing about my knee and

called me a liar about that too.

You were not there when the

chain of command sent me to

Anger management classes with

men that abuse their wife’s.

 

You were not there when I was

discharged because I had gained

Weight because of Post-Traumatic Stress

And the problem with my knee.

 

You were not there when I started

going to the VA for therapy

And fell apart during EMDR.

 

You were not there when the

bastard that raped me sent me

An email straight up admitting to

it and they still did nothing

 

You were not here when I got

call from Special Agent saying,

“We do not care what he admitted to.

We have to investigate you

And know who all you slept with

and about any other sexual assaults.”

You were not here when I threw

phone across the room and fell apart.

You were not here when that

destroyed me and I wanted to die

 

You were not here when I was

triggered by the way a woman

Came at me and I got into fight or freeze.

You were not here when I was talking

To my supervisor and was in tears.

You were not there when she told me

That I need to go to the VA for

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling.

 

You were not there when I lost

my job because of Post-Traumatic Stress.

You were there when I went

to an intensive 15-day retreat center.

You were not here when I cut

my thighs over 40 times because I hated

Myself and wished that the bastard

that had raped me had killed me.

 

You were not here when doctor at

The VA told me, “I should be fine sitting

In a room full of men and have no

Reaction because I am not on base.”

You were not here when that same doctor

Looked at me and said, “What do you want

Us to do helicopter you in?”

You were not here when I went to the Outpatient

Facility and was called back into hallway

And told by Physician Assistant, “You do not

Have an appointment today.”

 

You were not there when I was driving

Home from the Outpatient facility and

Was thinking about killing myself.

You were not here when I

lost three jobs because of Post-Traumatic Stress

You ignore what we survivors

have told you over and over again

And you only listen to the damn

brass that have everything to lose.

 

Then you ignore survivors of

university rape, childhood rape, and do nothing

About human trafficking.

You were not raped so how in

the hell do you know what it is like?

 

How you do know what the chain

of command does and does not do?

You have not been raped, so shut

up and listen to survivors

That know firsthand what it is to be raped,

betrayed, thrown away, have life destroyed.

You have not been in my shoes.

So sit down, shut the hell up and listen to

What I have told you and what other survivors

Have told you.

 

My life has been changed forever.

I cannot just forget it.

I do not want to hear a damn

thing from you until you

Know what it is like to be raped

and have your life destroyed.

 

You do not know what it is like to live

with Post Traumatic Stress

You do not know what I go through each

and every day to just function.

You have not had to pay thousands of dollars

for therapy after you were raped.

Why should I have to pay for

therapy when I did not rape myself?

Done Changing What I Say to Make Others Happy

I am done changing my truth, my story to make others happy. No one cared when I was raped at 11. I was threatened that I would be killed if I told what he did to be. When I did tell, I was grounded to the yard. Then I was told to just forget about it. When I was at the University of Cincinnati and was raped by two black men (Yes I just said that) I was told by female police officer that they had every right to do what they did because I was drinking underage. That the two black men where entitle to rape me. The campus did not do a damn thing about it.

In the Navy, I was told that it was my fault, that I was nothing more then a walking mattress, and the laws did not apply to me. My career was ruined. I was retaliated against. I was called a liar. I was singled out for extra duty. When I hurt my knee, I fought with the chain of command for over two years and they did nothing about it. I was conveniently administratively discharged and given the code of JFT erroneous enlistment.

I went to the VA and they fixed what the chain of command on the Reagan said did not exist. In 2013, the second petty officer that raped me sent me an email on Navytogetherwe served admitting to what he did. NCIS still did nothing and told me, “You are lying. We have to investigate you and know who all you have slept with and about any other reports that you have ever made.”

So I am done being quiet. I am done with being silenced. I am done with sugar coating what happened to me so others can go on with their lives believing that rape is sex. Rape is not sex. Protecting rapists and shaming survivors is not okay. Promoting rapists and sending them to other commands so they can continue to rape is not okay. Allowing rapists to retire with their benefits from the military is not okay. All they are going to do is become a civilian and start raping more women.  Then you have the universities doing nothing about the rape epidemic at campuses. Since when did going to an university mean here rape me?

People you need to freaking wake up and hear my truth and other survivors truth. I am not going to change my poetry for a publisher because they are not comfortable or do not like what I wrote. I am done changing for others. It’s time you know the truth of what the rapists did to me. I am not going to change what I wrote because you are uncomfortable with the details. You try to live in my shoes for a day. You try losing jobs because of PTSD. You try living with PTSD.

Let’s see how you handle being raped, told you are nothing, start cutting yourself and burning yourself. Let’s see how you handle being told that you are nothing but a walking mattress that only here to service men. Let’s see how you do fighting for benefits. Let’s see how you do losing three jobs because of triggers, anxiety, can not stand noise. Let’s see you go to therapy two times a week. Let’s see how you like being invisible and not heard no matter how loud you shout.  Let’s see how you like being dismissed and told to just get over it and move on. Oh my favorite, oh it wasn’t that bad and it did not happen the way you are telling it. WAS YOU THERE WHEN THEY RAPED ME? WERE YOU THERE WHEN THE POLICE OFFICER LOOKED AT ME AND SAID THEY ARE ENTITLED TO RAPE YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE DRINKING UNDERAGE? YOU WERE THERE ON THE USS RONALD REAGAN WHEN THE CHAIN OF COMMAND WAS RETALIATING AGAINST ME?

How about you listen to my truth and others truth and do something about the rape epidemic in this country? Do not tell me to change my story because you are uncomfortable. Try living my life. Try being in my shoes.

 

 

 

 

The Pain is Constantly There

The pain is constantly there in my left ankle, right knee and small of my back,

It never stops and reminds me

Of all of the pain that I have been through

It makes me feel all of the pain from being abused,

It reminds me of the surgery that I had on my ankle,

It reminds me of the trauma that happened at the same time,

My knee reminds me of the fights that I had

With my chain of command and how they did

Nothing for two years.

 

Have figured out that it is emotional,

Psychological in nature and those places

Hold the memories from the abuse I have been through

Anxiety, anger, grief comes to the surface,

Flashbacks, nightmares happen,

I feel like it is happening all over again,

I feel the grief from what was taken away from me

 

I look for solutions for this pain,

If I am going to have to live with every day,

Start going to Nia, somatic psychotherapy, Reiki Jin Kei Do,

And talk therapy

 

I allow myself to express the feelings that

Need to come out.

I learn techniques to help me get through this,

I find joy, laughter, and start to love my body.

I start touching those parts of my body and

Tell them that I understand that the trauma is

Held there

I continue to do what I can to self-heal.

That I will continue to do whatever I need to do

In order to heal the pain.

Chronic Knee Pain

Knee Pain please go away,

I cannot take this pain anymore,

You make doing my job of damage control

That much harder and I have trouble running all

Over the ship to do my job of a damage control petty officer,

You make it hard to run and I cannot run on you,

I cannot do exercises on you,

You bring tears to my eyes,

You make me take over 1,000 milligrams of Motrin,

You make me want to stay off you,

You make me use a knee brace

You make me go to the Medical Department to try to

Get medical care for you only be told, “Here take Motrin.

There is nothing wrong with your knee. You are lying.”

I cannot take this pain anymore.

 

Knee pain you bring me to the ground,

You have my total attention,

You trigger memories from everything that happened

In the Navy,

You bring my Post Traumatic Stress to the forefront,

You make the tears stream from my eyes,

You make flashbacks come to the surface,

You slow me down and make me listen

To what you are telling me.

 

I am sending you love,

I hear what you are saying,

I am continuing to heal my knee

And forgiving myself for all of the abuse,

 

There was nothing that I could do for two years,

I tried to take care of you,

I would go to medical and try to get care,

But all they ever said was here is Motrin,

Do this physical therapy,

There is nothing wrong with you knee,

Keep pushing through the pain.

 

I would rub icy hot on you,

I would put ice on you,

I would stay off of you when I could,

I would use a knee brace,

I would cry when I went to my rack,

I would struggle to make it up the ladder wells,

I did what I could to take care of you,

 

Once I was able to, I went to a real medical facility

And found out that yes you were messed up

And had to have surgery to help to heal you,

Part of the bone of lower leg was taken out and

Four screws put in to realign the patella tendon.

I took care of you and went to physical therapy,

I have continued to go to therapy to heal the

Emotional damage that was caused,

 

Please stop hurting,

I do not know what you want me to do,

I send you love,

I take medicine when you hurt,

I let myself express my feelings,

I talk about the trauma that I have been through,

 

I rest you when you are really bothering me,

Please know that I will do everything in my power

To take care of you and I am sorry that I put

You through so much abuse.

It was not my choice.

Grief and Rising

 

Missing the innocent girl I was

Miss the trusting girl I was

I miss the girl who chased her dream to serve her country

Thinking that the six guys and chain of command had killed her

Just go through the motions

Afraid to trust

Afraid to feel

Dissociate because that is what she was taught

Sometimes have thought why did you just not fight them and make them kill you,

why did you just ya there, why did you not jump when you had the chance,

Sometimes have wanted to get rid of this body, to hide this body

so that men would not look at me or hurt me again

But the belief it happened because of what I was wearing and that I was drunk, came from society not me.

It is time to unlearn everything that society has taught me,

Time to learn to feel, to stay present, to cry, to be angry, to laugh, to sing.

Am learning every day that there are more threads to me

That I am rising and changing, rediscovering who I am becoming who I want to be

Putting the pieces back together and becoming an arrow continuing to rise into the light

Shining light on the things that I have never told anyone and letting go of old habits, old ways of doing things

I will become who I want to be and the world is going to hear me, ROAR!!

I will speak my truth, and they will hear me

I do not care what they think

No more excuses!! No more abuse!!

I am back!!!! I have the little girl back!!

She is stronger

She is beautiful

Yes she is changed, but she is complex, caring, and compassionate, understanding and she is faultless.

She has brought with her: Patience, Truth, Anger, and Empowerment

She is not alone and together we will rise.

 

 

Copyrighted 2015

Journey Back to My Body and Myself

My journey back to myself started when I stopped drinking,

When I stopped hurting myself,

When I started going to therapy and started on my road to healing.

When I made a decision to ask for help and

found my way to Artemis Rising

When I started to admit that I was raped at 11, 19, 23, 25 and

Started to tell my truth, my story.

 

When I started to put the shame where it belonged

On the rapists, society, and chain of command that did nothing.

When I started to talk about what the third class petty officer did to me,

When I started to talk about the retaliation that occurred.

When I started to talk about how the chain of command emotionally abused me

When I started to talk about the nightmares and flashbacks,

 

When I started to talk about the deep betrayal that I have felt,

When I started to talk about the grief that I feel and

what was taken away from me,

When I started to talk about the rage that I feel,

When I started to realize that my body holds the trauma

When I started to let all of the tears to come out and

Realized that crying is being strong and healing.

 

When I started to talk about how hurt I was when

They did nothing even after he admitted to

Raping me in an email.

When I started to understand that I had complex Post Traumatic Stress

When I allowed myself to tell my story and

Allowed myself to feel my feelings.

When I allowed myself to say the words that

I needed to say out loud.

 

Then, I found my way to One Billion and Rising Nia Jam

When I decided to take white belt and realized that I could come back into my body

That I did not have to stay out of my body,

That I was safe coming back to myself,

That I could love my body again,

That I could take the steps to take care of myself

by being gentle with myself, self care, and eating healthier.

The connection was made

That it is safe for me to be in my body and

To love myself,

That I can express my true feelings

That I can sound and tell my truth

 

Every day I keep showing up,

Keep suiting up and allowing myself to be seen,

Keep fighting and admitting my truth,

I have the courage to face my demons,

I have the courage to ask for help,

I have the courage to be vulnerable and

Express my true feelings.

 

I will not give up,

They are not going to win,

They have taken enough from me

And I reclaiming who I am every day.

I am a peaceful Warrior who is discovering

Who I am after so much was taken away from me.

Part of reclaiming who I am means that I have

Been reinventing myself by choosing to

Become a Reiki Jin Kei Do Energy Healer,

As part of this training, I learned that I care

About myself enough to have self-compassion

For myself and others.

 

Then I took blue belt and realized that I was safe

to feel what I feel and express what I feel

To tell my truth, to speak my truth, and to laugh

To slow dive to the depths of what is inside of me

And to keep pushing through all of the pain to heal.

That I have a choice,

That it is my birthright to love myself,

To have compassion for myself,

To love my body and to be in my body,

That I can be kinder to myself when I feel sad.

 

I have found my way back to my body and to myself

I am being gentle with myself.

I am listening to the voices of my body,

I am loving myself and

Continuing to heal one day at a time.

Jewels reads her Poem Shut Up and Listen To Survivors

Jewels shares her reads her poem Born A Girl

Born With A VAGINA

 

Born With a Vagina,

I was given the label of girl,

I was taught to dress a certain,

I was taught to follow what my mom did,

I was told that I was supposed to wear dresses,

That I was supposed to do house work,

That I was supposed to be skinny,

That I was supposed to wear makeup,

That I was supposed to play with certain toys

Such as Barbie dolls, house, care bears,  girl toys,

And that I was only to be interested in girl things,

That I was not supposed to be good at science or math,

Once I became I tomboy I no longer fit into what

Society wanted me to be since I was born with a Vagina,

I wanted to climb trees, play basketball, football, baseball,

Ride bikes, get dirty, and play war there was something

wrong with  me and I had to be shown where

I belonged in society,

I had to be taught a lesson that is when Ryan

showed me what porn was, what violence was,

And raped me,

Then I was threatened that I would be killed if I told anyone,

My friend told his mom and his mom called my mom,

I was then grounded to the yard and told to just

Forget about what happened to me

I was told that since I had been born with a Vagina that

I was only here to be raped and that the laws do not apply

To girls that have been raped.

As I grew up, I still did not fit into what society wanted

Me to be because I wanted nothing to do with being a woman

I wanted nothing to do with wearing dresses,

I wanted nothing to do with wearing makeup and having long hair,

I wanted nothing to do with sex or my sexuality

Then two black men raped me when I was intoxicated and could

Not consent,

Then I was once again told by Female Police Officer that I deserved

What they did to me because I was drinking underage and that

Entitled two black me to rape me.

Then the University of Cincinnati sent me to be evaluated for a mental

Health disorder instead of doing anything to the two black

Men that raped me,

I became suicidal and wanted to die and I tried to kill myself

Once again I was told that since I have a Vagina that I am some how

Weaker and do not matter as much as men.

That is was perfectly fine to be raped by two men,

After all that was what I was born for since

I was born with a Vagina and men were entitled to rape me

And the laws do not apply to me.

Then when I was 23, I was raped again and did not bother

To make a police report,

I knew that no one would do a damn thing

Then when I was 25 I was raped by a third class petty officer

Twice in the same day,

I did not say anything until the next day when a friend

Asked me what was wrong?

She went and told the chain of command

They took me to have rape exam done at Wilford ER,

OSI came and talked to me,

The chain of command blamed me for being raped,

Master Chief said, “We believe you but there is not a damn thing

We can do about it.  Here’s your orders to your next command. Promise

Me that you will go to counseling.

Then the retaliation started,

I was not allowed to go to counseling at rape crisis center,

I was told that I was lying,

I was told that I was fat,

I was told that I was nothing more than a walking mattress

That deserved to be raped

My career was ruined and I was given code of JFT erroneous enlistment

Then in 2013 when he straight up admitted to raping me they still did

Nothing.

I was told that, “We have to investigate you. We have to know who

All you have slept with. About any other reports that you

Have made. We do not care what he said in his email to you.

So once again I was told that since I was born with a VAGINA

That I am nothing

That rape is fine and we do not give a damn about you

That rape is not against the law and we only protect rapists.

Born With A VAGINA